God Issues Recall

By Alex Bogusky

HEAVEN– In a surprise move, God issued a statement today announcing an immediate recall of His complete book series: The Torah, The Quran and the New Testament, citing misunderstandings and violence of “biblical proportions” brought about by many who have read the books.

In a written release, God stated: “You guys freak me out. I’m almost afraid to issue this press release with the way you tend to twist my words around. However, I am calling for an immediate recall of my complete book series. If you have any of these books please stop using them immediately. The words were meant to bring people together but clearly that is not happening. Do not under any circumstances burn these books, as that will only create more of what I don’t want, including more greenhouse gas emissions. Simply put a sticky note on the cover that says, RECALLED BY GOD. If you have access to a hotel or motel drawer, please put the book in there.”

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Sources close to God suggest that He was moved to action by both the massive Toyota recall and the recent news of books burnings. God has grown increasingly frustrated by the acts of murder and genocide His readers have perpetrated over the centuries. “I had never considered a recall because well frankly, they didn’t exist for most of time,” God said. “And by my own calculations (which are the most accurate in the universe), the Toyota malfunctions cost perhaps a dozen lives, whereas poor interpretation of my words has caused hundreds of millions of deaths.”

In Heavenly circles, the issue of interpretation has become a hot topic. When reached for comment, Archangel Gabriel said, “God is quite stunned by what a literal bunch you people have become.” Officials close to the recall said the books were written for a very different audience: people who were not very far removed from a world of stone tools and who needed to relate to their world through story and allegory. “Let’s face it, I used a lot of metaphor and in my defense, it was a very popular writing style of the era. But today, this seems to be more confusing than elucidating to my message of universal love.”

While some are excited about the recall, others complain that it has come too late for them. “Oh, great! Now you tell me not to take it so literally,” commented Tomás de Torquemada, Spanish Inquisitor. “I’ve been in Hell for five hundred years with zero chance of parol for burning a few thousand jews alive. I swear I thought I was doing the right thing! Where is the justice in that?”

With the recall news, many have been left wondering if God will issue a new book or simply leave publishing entirely. Publishing experts are quick to point out that recent advances in e-readers and the iPad would make a purely digital play the easiest way to release a new work. Others are skeptical that a new work will come any time soon, given the atrocities caused by past and current misinterpretations.

Some cynics however, aren’t buying any of it. “My sense is He thinks it’s a big game,” said Lucifer. “This is all just God’s elaborate publicity stunt to rebrand Himself as a guy that’s not all about smiting people and turning them into pillars of salt and I’m not buying it.”